Tension - Friendship or Accountability?

If you were to ask the average person what she is looking for in a group, you’d probably get the answer, “friendship.” The truth is that we have lots of, probably too many, superficial acquaintances in our lives. We have connections to our immediate family, at work or school, at church, in our neighborhood, to extended family, to long-term friends, and to people who share common interests. And now with social media like Facebook, you can have hundreds or thousands of even more shallow connections. Think about Twitter for a second. Twitter is a fad (yes, it has merits) by which you can share anything you like with anyone who is willing to “follow” you, but you have to do it in 140 keystrokes or less! “According to his latest tweet, he just had a great burger in Quarryville, of all places. It’s good to have such a meaningful relationship with him. I wonder if we’ll ever have a burger together!?!”

Sociologists have coined a phrase to describe life in 21st century America, “crowded loneliness.” There is so much available to do and we don’t want to miss out on any of it. And there are demands of family, friends, co-workers, etc. Lord forbid that you should have a couple kids in sports, or high school soccer (sorry, sharing my own struggle)! Yet, despite all of the connections in our lives, we remain lonely, longing for truly meaningful relationships.

Set that thought next to this one: If there is one word that is truly despised, even within the church, it would have to be “accountability.” This is at the core of our sin problem. We want to be the only voice of authority for our lives! Even Christians go into convulsive fits when they consider the thought of other Christians being able to look into their lives and speak God’s truth into what they see. Part of this is our sin; the rest is because Christians struggle with how to offer biblical counsel without coming across as holier-than-thou and judgmental. Don’t believe me? Ask a Christian who holds him accountable. I bet you will hear that he’s accountable to God alone. Better yet, ask a pastor. OK, maybe you shouldn’t.

We long for meaningful relationship because we were created as relational beings, like our God who eternally exists in and as community. It’s in our DNA. Want to torture someone? Isolate him! But, as mentioned earlier, Christian community which is supposed to be truth-telling usually tears down rather than builds up. Why? Because we don’t develop friendship!

Accountability without relationship is pointless. It falls on deaf ears. But the Bible says “A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother” (Proverbs 18:24). And friendship without accountability is not biblical friendship at all. Proverbs also says, “Wounds from a friend can be trusted” (27:6a).

In order for us to be fulfilled in our need for community in a God-honoring, sanctifying way, we need to be deliberately involved in authentic Christian fellowship. We need to continually choose to trust other Christians and intentionally foster intimacy and openness that allow others who genuinely seek our well-being to help us grow into the likeness of Christ. Healthy group life is the best way I know to achieve this.