Road Trip - Wilmington, DE

Next week I'll get back to the tensions in SG ministry. But today I'm headed to a Small Groups Training Conference in Wilmington, DE with 10 other leaders from our ministry. We'll be spending the day at the Growing Spiritually in Small Groups Conference at Brandywine Valley Baptist Church.

Willow Creek SG gurus Greg Bowman & Dave Treat are the featured speakers. This promises to be a great day of exposure to the world of SG philosophy and implementation strategies.

And there's a special treat for those who are traveling with me. Following the conference, we'll be stopping off at California's Ruby's Diner for dinner. When he heard this, Pastor Doug was really bummed that he couldn't come with us because he has class today.

Doug, we'll be sure we have a chocolate peanut butter shake to mourn your sad circumstances.

Tension - Sympathy or Confrontation?

What is it that you fear most in your relationships? Some people might say “brokenness.” That sounds like the right answer. Broken relationship, be it between spouses, friends, or family members, is a horrible thing. But, the fact that we experience broken relationships tells me that there’s something we fear even more than that. What is it? Conflict!

Let me ask you this, “Is conflict a bad thing, something to be avoided at all cost?” If you’re like most, you’re inclined to agree with that. Yet Scripture is filled with commands to confront sin, both sin in your own life and in the community of believers. Frankly, conflict is a major theme of the Christian experience! Once we were at war with God. Now we are redeemed by Him and we are to be at war for God. We war against the desires of the flesh. When we’re losing that battle, we find ourselves warring against the Holy Spirit. And this doesn’t just apply to us as individuals. To Cain’s question of God, “Am I my brother’s keeper?” (Genesis 4:9), the biblical answer is a resounding “Amen!” Romans 15:14 says that since we are filled with goodness and knowledge, we should be admonishing one another. And Christ laid out the model for the church to confront sin within the community in Matthew 18:

“If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector. I tell you the truth, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them.” Matthew 18:15-20

“But that’s not very loving! I thought God is love and we are to love one another!” Well, I agree with half of that statement. Yes, we are to treat one another with love. However, sometimes, confrontation and conflict is the only truly loving response to someone, especially someone stuck in perpetual sin.

The truth is that authentic Christian community sometimes involves loving conflict. If it doesn’t, there are only two options remaining, approving of sin by keeping your silence or breaking fellowship. I’m hopeful that all of us understand that neither of those is an acceptable Christian solution. Even the instances in Scripture when you see the description of or suggestion to break fellowship, it is in order to bring reconciliation and restoration. These are HUGE Christian themes.

I won’t take time here to lay out every possible solution to confronting sin in Christian community. I simply want to convey that group life is not always characterized by sweetness. Sometimes the kindest, most loving response to a situation is confrontation.

Is group life all about building self-esteem? Hardly! Face it, healthy, intentional group life is for people who are serious about expanding the influence of Christ in His people, His church, and the world. That’s the real reason some people aren’t involved.

Tension - Friendship or Accountability?

If you were to ask the average person what she is looking for in a group, you’d probably get the answer, “friendship.” The truth is that we have lots of, probably too many, superficial acquaintances in our lives. We have connections to our immediate family, at work or school, at church, in our neighborhood, to extended family, to long-term friends, and to people who share common interests. And now with social media like Facebook, you can have hundreds or thousands of even more shallow connections. Think about Twitter for a second. Twitter is a fad (yes, it has merits) by which you can share anything you like with anyone who is willing to “follow” you, but you have to do it in 140 keystrokes or less! “According to his latest tweet, he just had a great burger in Quarryville, of all places. It’s good to have such a meaningful relationship with him. I wonder if we’ll ever have a burger together!?!”

Sociologists have coined a phrase to describe life in 21st century America, “crowded loneliness.” There is so much available to do and we don’t want to miss out on any of it. And there are demands of family, friends, co-workers, etc. Lord forbid that you should have a couple kids in sports, or high school soccer (sorry, sharing my own struggle)! Yet, despite all of the connections in our lives, we remain lonely, longing for truly meaningful relationships.

Set that thought next to this one: If there is one word that is truly despised, even within the church, it would have to be “accountability.” This is at the core of our sin problem. We want to be the only voice of authority for our lives! Even Christians go into convulsive fits when they consider the thought of other Christians being able to look into their lives and speak God’s truth into what they see. Part of this is our sin; the rest is because Christians struggle with how to offer biblical counsel without coming across as holier-than-thou and judgmental. Don’t believe me? Ask a Christian who holds him accountable. I bet you will hear that he’s accountable to God alone. Better yet, ask a pastor. OK, maybe you shouldn’t.

We long for meaningful relationship because we were created as relational beings, like our God who eternally exists in and as community. It’s in our DNA. Want to torture someone? Isolate him! But, as mentioned earlier, Christian community which is supposed to be truth-telling usually tears down rather than builds up. Why? Because we don’t develop friendship!

Accountability without relationship is pointless. It falls on deaf ears. But the Bible says “A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother” (Proverbs 18:24). And friendship without accountability is not biblical friendship at all. Proverbs also says, “Wounds from a friend can be trusted” (27:6a).

In order for us to be fulfilled in our need for community in a God-honoring, sanctifying way, we need to be deliberately involved in authentic Christian fellowship. We need to continually choose to trust other Christians and intentionally foster intimacy and openness that allow others who genuinely seek our well-being to help us grow into the likeness of Christ. Healthy group life is the best way I know to achieve this.

Tension – Care or Discipleship?

This discussion follows closely on the previous one. People come to group with different expectations. Some are looking for teaching. You might hear these types saying things like, “I want this group to go deeper into the Word” or the more vague version “We’re looking for meat!” I sometimes wonder if the 1st century believers talked that way. They were already often accused of being cannibals because they “ate the flesh of their god.” Regardless, these people are looking for “discipleship” in their group time. However, there are others who need to experience what Christ claimed to offer His people, caring family-like community. They want and need a place of acceptance. Perhaps they are struggling with living in faithfulness. Often, they have experienced only the sham of Christian community, general friendliness that masks legalistic religion and dark, judgmental hearts.

This is actually a question pertaining to how we develop people. The people in our churches run the spectrum of spiritual maturity. And, if they are in our churches, they are also in our groups.
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Clearly, group must be about both. From the previous discussion, biblical content is the foundational, defining truth for Christian living, but it is in the implementation of that truth that learning unto transformation happens. Therefore, a healthy group balances care and “discipleship” in their time together. I continued to put that word in quotes because I believe that what the “discipleship” group means by that word and a proper biblical understanding of its significance are not the same. You see, true discipleship happens in the tension between care and Bible study.

People who say they need to connect also need solid Bible teaching; they just need to be loved first. You will lose them if you don’t take the time to build authentic Christian relationship with them. And the people who are looking for more Bible content need to learn that being like Christ is their goal. Jesus told His disciples, “You are my friends if you do what I command” (John 15:14).

Not only are group members somewhere in this spectrum. Group leaders have a preferred area also. Low care, low “discipleship” leaders are Connectors, people who deal well with superficial contact and light content. Those who are better at building real relationship are Nurturers. They are very good at ministering to people in their pain and struggles. Leaders who are low in care but higher in biblical content are Teachers. And finally, leaders who can both teach and nurture are Shepherds. The goal of group life is to get everyone in the Shepherd category.

So, where are you on the spectrum? Can I be frank at the risk of offending? I hope that grace abounds and this will be seen as a challenge to grow, not as holier-than-thou or judgmental attitude. I honestly float through these areas myself depending on season of life…

Are you the Shepherd? You should be leading a group and discipling others. And when I say “discipling” I mean that you are intentionally connecting with people wherever they are on the spectrum and investing the time and energy to help them move to be Shepherds too. Remember that Jesus came, discipled, and left. A Good Shepherd knows when His work is finished.

Are you the Nurturer? Are you building people up so that they can be whole? What would it look like for the people in your care to not need your help anymore? Are you building dependence upon you or on the Lord? In the times of care, don’t lose sight of the Great Physician.

Are you the Teacher? Why are you happy with a cold, academic Christian faith? Is it easier for you to relate to facts than to people? What does your calendar look like? Do you deal with people according to a schedule or as needs arise? What does connection look like between group meetings? Does it scare you to actually enter into someone’s suffering? The Great Teacher did exactly that.

Are you the Connector? Connection is extremely important, but it’s all Meeting and no Moving. Develop a plan for you and your group to move into deeper relationship with each other and with our Lord. Are you the person looking to be connected? Take the step of faith and try group life. The plan that Jesus laid out for His church is a great one, even though implementation is usually a little disappointing. Take courage in the knowledge that none of us has this perfectly figured out and God is at the center of it all. In our weakness, His glory shines through. Our job is to persevere, continually striving hard after Him and everything that He commanded.

If you want to know how this works in group, hang on until we look at Task or Relationship.

Tension - Truth or Life?

Anyone who has been around small groups a bit realizes that there is a persistent struggle pertaining to the nature of the discussion time. Some feel that the point of group is to get deep, deeper, and deeper still into the Word of God. The argument goes something like, “If the Bible has God’s truth in it and God’s truth should shape our lives, then group time should be filled with reading, exploring, and dissection of the Bible. Group time should be about doctrine, right and wrong answers, and filling our minds with the Word.” Sounds like a correct position, right? I mean, you’d quickly find stones flying your way if you suggested that groups should not focus on God’s revelation.

But there’s another position. Some people would suggest that all the Bible knowledge in the world won’t make you a godly person. Perhaps they would say, “Don’t you get enough Bible teaching from the Sunday sermon? After all, you’re only employing about 10% of it. Looks like there’s plenty of information available. Besides, all the information in the world doesn’t help the demons in the end; they are still destined to eternal destruction. I’m more interested in hearing how it’s working for you, what struggles you’re having implementing God’s truth, and how you keep from straying from the path of faithfulness.”

Can you see the battle lines drawing? Truth versus Life. The accusations fly. “You’re only interested in talking about your feelings!” “It’s not truth that saves you. It’s faith; ‘Without faith it is impossible to please God’ (Hebrews 11:6a)!” “Faith comes from hearing the message, and the message is heard through the word of Christ (Romans 10:17)!”

But true spiritual formation, growing into the likeness of Christ, happens in the tension between Truth and Life. God’s truth is immensely important to our growth as Christ followers. We are broken people in a broken world. Things that seem right to us can’t be trusted. Only God’s Word stands as our perfect canon or rule for godly living. But information doesn’t produce godliness. We have to live out God’s truth. In the biblical sense, it’s the difference between holding something in your head or within your heart.

Last month at a Leadership Gather, we discussed the components of learning. There is the “learning” part, the acquisition of biblical truth. But there’s also the “doing” part, where you try to implement what you have heard. If you want to know how to fly a plane, reading a book or watching a video just won’t get you there. Eventually, you’re going to have to try. And you’ll probably fail the first several times – praise God for flight simulators! But, after the hearing and after the doing, there’s the “assimilation” of that knowledge, what the Bible would call “understanding.” This happens best in a discussion, especially of the tension between the truth and its implementation. This is where we make the information we have learned to be part of who we are, where it becomes truly integrated into and forming who we are.

Look at the study you are using in your group (if you use a guide). Does it ask questions where the answers are found in the text? You may as well do it at home by yourself. A good group study should lead you into God’s truth and then invite discussion of how you struggle with the concepts. And there should be opportunities to implement that truth. Then, your group can become a place where God will work His wonders, through you and within you.

Remember: The outcome of the Christian life (and therefore your group time) is not information, but transformation.

Tension

Have you figured out yet that the Christian faith is about walking in tension? I didn’t say that it’s about “being tense.” There are some things that we would like resolved to our liking, yet God says that it’s not all that tidy. Some things which seem to be incompatible must be held in tension. They are paradoxes.

Look at the cross. When you gaze upon Christ on the cross, suffering and dying, what do you see? What did the world see? “Is that God on the cross?” “What sort of God can be killed by men?” Look at this scene from His crucifixion,

Those who passed by hurled insults at him, shaking their heads and saying, "You who are going to destroy the temple and build it in three days, save yourself! Come down from the cross, if you are the Son of God!" In the same way the chief priests, the teachers of the law and the elders mocked him. "He saved others," they said, "but he can't save himself! He's the King of Israel! Let him come down now from the cross, and we will believe in him. Matthew 27:39-42

How about you? Does the cross show you God’s wrath or His love? Do you see a God who is holy and just, who pours out His judgment decisively and fully? Or do you see a God whose immeasurable love led Him to leave His majestic throne, take on human flesh, and willingly allow those He was serving to torture and kill Him. When you see Him, arms stretched out wide, blood pouring from His hands, His head, His feet, His side, is He telling you, “I love you this much!”

The teachings of Scripture are full of paradoxes. “Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it” (Matthew 10:39), “Do not deceive yourselves. If any one of you thinks he is wise by the standards of this age, he should become a fool so that he may become wise” (1 Corinthians 3:18), “That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong” (2 Corinthians 12:10). How about the doctrine of the Trinity? Is God one or three? YES! Try to reconcile it to your personal liking and you’re probably going to find yourself firmly rooted in heresy.

Group life is no different. There are aspects of group life which must be held in tension. I am going to blog on several of them over the next couple weeks. I’m taking time to do this because we have a tendency to lean toward one side or the other in each of these areas:

• Is group discussion about truth or life?
• Is group about care or discipleship?
• Is group for friendship or accountability?
• Is group a place of sympathy or confrontation?
• Should group time focus on tasks or relationships?
• Should your group be open or safe?

As you read through the list, no doubt you thought about your own answers to these questions. But I want to take a little time to explain how these all must be present in order for your group to function properly.

I’m taking this information from a book by Bill Donahue and Russ Robinson called Walking the Small Group Tightrope. If you find that you want to read up on these issues more fully, consider picking this book up for yourself.

Risen, indeed!

Life for and to the dead!

If only for this life we have hope in Christ, we are to be pitied more than all men. But Christ has indeed been raised from the dead, the firstfruits of those who have fallen asleep. 1 Corinthians 15:19-20

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Happy Resurrection Day!