Group Dynamics - Contention

So, your group has been together for some time now. You have figured out how to set boundaries around the “super-talker” in the group. You have worked out how you will manage being a group with kids, sorta. You even figured out how to artfully dodge the suggestions from your Coach that you should be maintaining an outward focus in your group. But then, conflict…

Sometimes conflict happens suddenly, almost without warning. One gal’s darling little angel bites or hits another gal’s and next thing you know the moms are quickly approaching thrown-down. Obviously, you need some outside help with this issue since advise from within the group will be perceived as taking sides.

But let’s talk about another sort of conflict in group. Eventually you’ll discover that different folks have different passions. Hopefully, since we asked everyone to study our SHAPE curriculum, you have come to understand that God’s design for His church and for your group is that there would be diversity of gifts and passions. The key is that in diversity there needs to be unity of purpose.

And that’s when the healthy contention that God purposed for your group turns to divisions, namely when the players involved are serving their own selfish purposes. It is only when the overarching purpose which God gave to His church is our central commitment that we can transcend contention and truly glorify God. Look at what James wrote about this and see if it applies to your group experiences:

What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures. You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. Or do you think Scripture says without reason that the spirit he caused to live in us envies intensely? But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. James 4:1-10 (emphases added)

And did you notice where James lays the blame for this selfish contention that tears at God’s redemptive community? The devil! At the heart of out-of-control contention is a desire to assert your will over another person, or over your group. This is very common in marriages, when spouses bring unfair expectations into the relationship and demand conformity. But notice that I said “unfair” expectations. There is right and wrong, truth and error. There are ideas and suggestions that will come up in your group that will take you away from God’s purpose for His church. Those should be opposed. However, most serious conflict and threats against unity in God’s church are not from these but rather from people who are trying to control, coerce, and manipulate.

So, the way to move forward is to have open and honest dialog. And be open to having your motives challenged, praying fervently that they stand the test. If they don’t, repent! Seek to be a person and a group of influence, not power. In this way, you honor our God and His gospel.